2017 Eclipse PSA — Alien Invasion is a Reality
Beware any strange occurrences after eclipses, particularly plant-related ones.
Most importantly: Don’t stare at the sun without eye protection. Now on to the important stuff.
Our ancestors did many strange things during and after eclipses. When the sun was going dark, many cultures banged gongs, made noises to frighten away the demon or dragon or <insert scary culturally relevant thing here> until it released the sun and went on its merry way.
Humanity has become more sophisticated now and we realized an eclipse was a phenomena which occurred with some degree of frequency all over the planet. And with it, strange occurrences did too. This report is just a smattering of those strange events which most governments will refuse to acknowledge taking place. Things besides zombies, vampires, and Big Foot. We already know those exist, right?
Strange and exotic invasive plant species
A variety of strange and exotic plants have been observed after eclipses. Please make a note of your local flora and fauna. Do not approach these plants for any reason.
Triffids are extra-planetary spores which use the remnants of a meteor or other planetary body to spread themselves from world to world. Triffids have a complex life-cycle and have several adaptations making them capable of surviving on Earth, apparently with little effort once established. Under the cover of a super-bright meteor shower they rain down on unsuspecting worlds.
They appear as large upright plants capable of limited movement. They are known for their acid spitting potential and have large vine-like appendages which can be used to grab and hold prey. They are also capable of emitting a variety of unusual sounds, possible even mimic sounds of prey to attack others to consume. They are primarily scavengers but when their populations rise they have been known to attack living prey including Humans. They are resistant to firearms but have a vulnerability to electrolytes and seawater.
However, don’t expect your bottle Brondo, the Thirst Mutilator to stop one from eating you.
We cannot stress this enough. Do not approach Triffids. Report them to your authorities and stay inside. Triffids were first discovered in 1951 and a later outbreak occurred in 1962. There have been urban rumors of a triffid growth and development facility being sponsored by the government as a doomsday weapon but no such confirmation has ever been made. (Day of the Triffids — John Wyndham)
While their relationship to eclipses have not been confirmed the Pods arrival on Earth has been documented several times. A lifeform capable of passable mimicry, these creatures arrived on Earth and began growing new versions of themselves to infiltrate and presumably replace the Human population. These creatures perpetuate themselves by growing near a sleeping Human, copying their body and their thoughts, destroying the Human being copied in the process. Once the invasion begins, the copied Humans will place pods near their loved ones, replacing them.
Have any of your loved ones become quiet, reclusive or just a bit strange? Have their passions been quelled and they stare at you quietly across the table? Do not, I repeat, do not comment about this to them. And while you are in large crowds, maintain a quiet demeanor, go directly to your destination and don’t make eye contact.
If you are discovered, you will be pointed out with a terrifying sound and other members of their community will do the same until their version of the authorities arrives. If this should happen to you, run and seek cover. Your only chance to survive depends on blending in and getting the hell out of town.
At least three such infiltrations have been recorded by the United States government. Dubbed the Body Snatchers, the first such infiltration was in 1954, the second in 1956. A third was recorded and of course redacted in 1978, and a brief but unfortunate outbreak in 1993. The Body Snatchers greatest weakness is their imperfect imitation of their subjects. They are far too emotionless to pass for Human. Perhaps their next invasion will get it right. Remain vigilant. (Invasion of the Body Snatchers — Jack Finney)
Mean Green Motherfuckers from Outer Space
(commonly called Audrey’s or Horrors in polite conversation) There have been several invasions of Horrors, often under the cover of total eclipses. These invasions occur in highly populated areas or in farming communities where the abundance of accessible life forms for them to consume.
These creatures are only vulnerable when they’re small. Once they reach maturity they have a host of alien powers. They are capable of movement, can grow to twenty feet in height, have superhuman strength and are even capable of mind control and psychic suggestion. Their strange and unusual shape, see above, makes them reasonably easy to identify, while young. As they age, they use their psychic powers to blend into their surroundings and attack prey.
The creatures have only one weakness. A fondness for music and for bombastically describing their plans for world conquest. If you find yourself confronted by one, think of the snappiest music you can, get the plant to sing with you and in a moment of distraction or during the second arc pause or instrumental period, RUN like hell. We say again, do not approach these plants. They are dangerous in the extreme and have a particular fondness for Human flesh.
Humanity has narrowly escape their clutches twice, once in the late 1920s which was later documented in 1960 by Roger Corman, and once again in the 1980s. Humanity would never survive another musical assault of this nature. (Little Shop of Horrors — Charles B. Griffith)
There is a slight possibility you could gain superhuman abilities. While the source of such metahuman ability is unknown, we suspect it uses the eclipse as a cover to invade sections of the Earth, seeding it with metahuman operatives for the eventual conquest of the planet.
Please note: These powers are unpredictable and liable to cause harm to you or your loved ones. While they may seem to be a blessing at first, most come with challenging side-effects and even psychoses. Fortunately the government has several secret tasks forces prepared for such invasions of metahuman potential and can send agents to your city in a matter of hours.
Such an outbreak was recorded in 2006. The beings spawned from this event were often powerful, capable of incredible feats both physical and mental. Unfortunately the powers arrived among a diverse society of individuals and their instability eventually destroyed them from within.
If you gain superhuman abilities, please report to your local authorities, for debriefing. They will find you, even if you don’t. (Heroes: TV Series — 2006)
And as always, beware of Dragons or other creatures of mythology just eating the Sun. I mean science has been wrong before. Bang those pots and pans (or gongs if you happen to have one around) really loud, just in case.
Happy Eclipse watching, 2017!
Thaddeus Howze is an award-winning essayist, author and journalist for various online publications, anthologies and websites which fancy themselves having discriminating tastes in speculative fiction, non-fiction journalism and critical thinking.
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