Narcanol™ — A New Drug for the Sufferers of Digitally-Enhanced Narcissism

Treating a disease for which there appears to be no cure.

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Sponsored by Narcanol™ — narcissus poeticus

Not to be confused with Narconal, an alcohol-based tranquilizer.

New frontiers in psychological management are constantly being discovered. With widening psychological fractures appearing in the minds of citizens everywhere, we have begun a new age of noo-tropic pharmaceuticals for the modern survivor of the mid 21st century.

Digitally-enhanced narcissistic psychosis (should be diagnosed by a qualified psycho-technician — would you like to know more?) is a byproduct of the modern distributed social media environment. Unlike the classic narcissist who is completely in love with themselves, DENP creates an over-dependence on social media and the absolute online adoration of complete strangers, the further away the better, not to mention the admirations from complete strangers driving them to new levels of ecstatic delight.

Sufferers of digitally-enhanced narcissistic psychosis are known for their extensive online libraries of pictures featuring themselves (naturally), their few friends/pets, their overpriced, barely recognizable and minuscule portions of elite, barely-pronounceable exotic foods you know they didn’t eat and glittering possessions either being rented for effect or flashing real wealth with empty soul-less eyes in every frame while desperation sprays viscerally from every entourage member cup-caking nearby.

DENP may come with unpleasant side effects including long nights without friendship since no one ever thinks they need to pick up the phone first. Who doesn’t want you, right? This is assuming you even make phone calls. Texting, Tindering, and sexting and every other phone-based telepathy accompanied with finger-twitching and emoji have replaced even the dulcet tones of your one true partner. Stare lovingly at your bae in the blue light of your mutual phones. Update status. See the rosy flush of hearts as the approval rolls in. Cuddle.

This may be a sign of possibly permanent neurologically-induced psychosis due to constant stimulation of the neo-cortex provided by smartphone dependence reliant upon the efforts of canny programmers who create apps designed to keep you interacting with your phone and its media-linked shopping environment, selling you things you don’t need, spending money you don’t have and keeping vapor-ware selling companies convincing stock market portfolios they are richer than they were last quarter without actually doing anything different than last year.

Sadly, there doesn’t seem to be a cure for digitally-enhanced narcissistic psychosis, far too many companies are now dependent upon the continued growth of the industries associated with your psychological enslavement, all we can do is manage the symptoms.

Narcanol™ — Narcissus poeticus (generic) is for you. It can alleviate for three to ten hours most of the earlier symptoms of digitally-enhanced narcissistic psychosis without significant harmful side-effects.

Mild side-effects can include thickened and increased ear wax production, enhanced keratin production increasing nose and eyebrow hair growth, oily flatulence, occasional migraines and in some users a pronounced swelling of the larynx and thyroid gland.

Know there will always be new ways to digitally fidget, to fritter diligently, precious time better spent doing anything other than admiring your thousands of photos taken over the last five years documenting every second you could actual spend photographing yourself.

There will be countless single feature updates of your smartphone to keep you distracted from the yawing chasm between you paying attention to the real world and the horrors the real world keeps visiting upon you because you are afraid to see them for what they are.

See a psychologist immediately if you find you are unable to put down your smartphone. Ever. Cooking, cleaning, typing. Taking it into the bathroom and using it when you… Eww.

When Narcanol™ isn’t enough, You may be given, microbiological imagery shock therapy. This treatment along with proper medication could jumpstart your cure of prolonged digitally-enhanced narcissistic psychosis by revealing just how many dangerous pathogens are on the average smartphone. Particularly by those people who use their phone in the loo. You may also find yourself unable to touch anyone else’s smartphone for the foreseeable future.

No effort should be made to stop using Narcanol™without the support of a pharma-psychotherapist critical care unit. Like you could.

The medical information on this site is provided as an information resource only, and is not to be used or relied on for any diagnostic or treatment purposes. This information is not intended to be patient education, does not create any patient-physician relationship, and should not be used as a substitute for professional diagnosis and treatment.

Narcanol™ — when you want to have friends you can touch again.

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Thaddeus Howze is a writer, essayist, author and professional storyteller for mysterious beings who exist in non-Euclidean realms beyond our understanding. You can follow him on Twitter or support his writings on Patreon.

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