Automation saves another franchise from the threat of Human labor.

McDonald’s stock rises as Humans go the way of the dinosaur

Thaddeus Howze
4 min readJun 22, 2017


In today’s news: McDonald’s hits all-time high as Wall Street cheers replacement of cashiers with kiosks

McDonald’s, infected with the unsightly presence of cashiers and other food handlers, have decided to upgrade their food experience by removing a layer of Humans from their experience.

  • Cowen says McDonald’s will upgrade 2,500 restaurants to its “Experience of the Future” technology by year-end, which includes digital ordering kiosks.
  • The firm raises its rating on McDonald’s to outperform from market perform and price target for the shares to $180 from $142.
  • Same store sales estimate for 2018 raised to 3 percent from 2 percent.

Now you can place your order, not with an unsightly Human being, but with a clean and inviting digital interface. This will ensure orders are exactly as requested and sure to be as efficient as any Human lumbering behind the counter.

With the touch-sensitive screen capturing the bacteria of thousands daily, McDonalds is sure to become the place to catch the next great pandemic should you survive the food-eating experience.

Have you seen where people put their hands? Scientists say it would chill you to the bone to know the truth…

This move has raised the stock prices from $142 a share to $180 a share as 2500 chain stores get ready to experience their Human-deleting upgrade.

Well done, McDonalds. We know you couldn’t make your food any cheaper if you tried. And you’ve tried. You have attacked the final weakness in your industry. The fleshy and pitiful Humans you are reliant on.

I can’t wait to see your kiosks when they play in new commercials with their robotic autotuned singing voices proclaiming: “Da, da, da, da daaaa; I’m loving it!”

Gives me chills.

Oh wait. Chinese McDonald’s have already done this and proclaim the idea a success!

Thaddeus Howze is an award-winning essayist, author and journalist for various online publications, anthologies and websites which fancy themselves having discriminating tastes in speculative fiction, non-fiction journalism and critical thinking.

He is a known collaborator as the Answer-Man with Krypton Radio and the Good Men Project. He edits Future SF Magazine, right here on Medium and blows the doors off the Nerdist’s comic commentary when he writes on He also coordinates and works with the Afrosurreal Writing Workshop in the city of Oakland. In his spare time, he collaborates with Black Comic Creators in an effort to promote their work and the impending Black Age of Comics.

If you like his work, consider donating to his Patreon. He hates working for Uber (not because they’re a bad company, okay there is some truth there, but because he hates driving around a city with the reputation for the worst traffic in the free world, outside of Los Angeles) and would rather work for you as a writer of discerning, intelligent fiction and social commentary.

It easy to donate. Skip one or two cups of coffee Starbuck’s overpriced coffee a month and send that to him via this Patreon link. In return, he will continue to write outstanding articles on superheroes, technology, economics, science, social commentary and anything else which catches his ire. He writes something everyday, somewhere and has produced more than 300 articles a year online for the last eight years. Seriously. He’s that dedicated.

Imagine if he didn’t have to drive for Uber…