BOOK OF TRUMP: Chapter 4, verses 28-34

The Proclamations of the Great, Orange One

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Cash is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble. Seek refuge in the lawsuit, for the small can scarcely afford to attend court let alone win. Teach them to settle so they accept a pittance rather than whatever they richly deserve but cannot secure through justice. Cash shall make all of life’s jagged edges smooth. Cash in foreign banks shall wash away the sins of earnings of a dubious nature until they run clean. Unofficially, of course.

Thou shalt not worship false images unless they are of me, your lord and savior, Donald (Bigly Magnificent) Trump.

When worshiping me, I prefer the golden calf. I mean its a calf, so it’s succulent and its golden so that’s good too. Look at my mansion. It’s got gold everywhere. Speaking of calf, have you tried his Trump Steaks? Delicious!

Honor the Donald: Keep him in your heart and mind. Place his name upon the buildings, the higher the better. Remove all doubt of his abilities, no matter how enfeebled they may seem. In the end, all obstacles move before the power of the mighty Trump, as lord and savior. Keep these commandments sacred and you shall know the fraudulent yet wonderfully dissonant truth of Trump.

Honor the Dollar (insert your currency here): Using the dollar, honor it. Make more dollars with the few you have, because that is the Trump way, except when you get an inheritance, and several multi-million dollar loans from pops. Spend those dollars in lavish and wasteful ways, covering things in molten gold, buying airplanes using them once and setting them on fire with the crew inside. It’s not having the dollars, its how you spend them that manners.

Honor the Lie: Hold the poorly told, inauthentic lie, in the highest possible esteem. Hold the lie which shouldn’t be able to pass any level of scrutiny, except it does, as a sign of its divine nature, its ability to defy reason, to escape fact-check, to resist debunking and to have its acolytes repeat the words in every interview with such fervor, even those opposing them find them somehow reasonable enough to debate and legitimize. ‘There’s no such things as facts.’ Only points to be confused, audience IQ points to diminish and ratings to increase by any means necessary.

Double-down: To channel Trump is to double-down. Let him fill you with his unholy splendor. If you lie. Repeat it. If you do it enough, people may think it’s true. If a lie weakens under strain, flip on it. Remember to look earnest, sheepish even. Sound sincere. Almost like you could mean it. Under any other circumstance such lying would have people drawn and quartered, while being slathered in honey and eaten alive by fire ants. From the true acolyte of Trump, these lies pass smoothly into the world as the finest tequila, almost without taste, leaving devastating hangovers in their over-indulgence by the masses.

This is the Trump brand: Acknowledge his business acumen every chance you get. Acknowledge the four richest sins of them all: Gluttony, Greed, Lust and Pride. Engage in them with zeal and enthusiasm. Complain about working hard. Complain about people who are poorer than you. Whine about how difficult your life has been. Refuse to pay people you have taken services from. Appoint reprehensible millionaires to help you restock the swamp. Assault the good sense, the morals and the decency of anyone who isn’t a card carrying, Neo-Nazi, fascist cow flop landing shit-side down. Buy big. Sell Bigly! Remember to grope someone on the way out. They like that. One of the perks of being rich. No: of being Trump.

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From the Apostle Stephen Bannon who sings Trump’s praises while disenfranchising Americans everywhere.
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Thaddeus Howze is a writer, essayist, author and professional storyteller for mysterious beings who exist in non-Euclidean realms beyond our understanding. You can follow him on Twitter or support his writings on Patreon.

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